{"product_id":"2940013693388","title":"A Prayer for my Son","description":"This moment of anticipation was the worst of her life--never before\u003cbr\u003ehad she been so utterly alone.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHer loneliness now was emphasized by the strange dead-white glow\u003cbr\u003ethat seemed to bathe her room.  She had just switched off the\u003cbr\u003eelectric light, and the curtains were not drawn upon the long gaunt\u003cbr\u003ewindows.  Although it was after five on that winter afternoon, the\u003cbr\u003elight of the snow still illuminated the scene.  Beyond the windows\u003cbr\u003ea broad field ran slowly up to a thin bare hedge; above the hedge,\u003cbr\u003ethe fell, thick in snow, mounted to a grey sky which lay like one\u003cbr\u003eshadow upon another against the lower flanks of Blencathra.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eRose had learnt the name of this mountain from the first instant of\u003cbr\u003eher arrival at the Keswick station.  She had not known whether she\u003cbr\u003ewould be met or not, and she had asked a porter whether he knew of\u003cbr\u003eScarfe Hall.  He knew of it well enough.  It lay near the\u003cbr\u003eSanatorium right under Saddleback.  And then, because she was\u003cbr\u003eobviously a stranger, and he unlike many of his countrymen was\u003cbr\u003eloquacious, he explained to her that Saddleback was the common name\u003cbr\u003efor Blencathra.  'What a pity,' she murmured.  'Blencathra is much\u003cbr\u003efiner.'  But he was not interested in that.  He found the motor-car\u003cbr\u003efrom the Hall and soon she was moving downhill from the station,\u003cbr\u003eturning sharply to the left by the river, and so to her\u003cbr\u003edestination.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShe had had tea alone with Janet Fawcus in the drawing-room\u003cbr\u003edownstairs; such a strange, old-fashioned, overcrowded room, with\u003cbr\u003ephotographs in silver frames and a large oil painting over the\u003cbr\u003emarble fireplace of Humphrey's father.  So odd, Rose thought, to\u003cbr\u003ehave so large a painting of yourself so prominently displayed.  She\u003cbr\u003ehad seen before, of course, photographs of Humphrey's father and\u003cbr\u003ehad always liked the kindliness, the good-humour in his round\u003cbr\u003echubby face, the beautiful purity of his white hair, his broad\u003cbr\u003emanly shoulders, but this oil painting, made obviously a number of\u003cbr\u003eyears ago, gave him a kind of dignified splendour.  She had always\u003cbr\u003ethought him like Mr. Pickwick, but now he was a Mr. Pickwick raised\u003cbr\u003eto a degree of authority that yet had not robbed him of his\u003cbr\u003egeniality.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo she and Janet Fawcus had shared an embarrassed tea.  It was no\u003cbr\u003esurprise to her to discover in Janet the perfect spinster--that is,\u003cbr\u003ea woman of middle age whose certainty that virginity is a triumph\u003cbr\u003eis mingled with an everlasting disappointment.  Janet was dressed\u003cbr\u003ein the hard and serviceable tweeds of the English dweller in the\u003cbr\u003ecountry.  She talked to Rose with all the kindliness of a hostess\u003cbr\u003eand the patronage of a successful headmistress.  Rose saw at once\u003cbr\u003ethat Janet had always hated her and that meeting her had not\u003cbr\u003eweakened that emotion.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eHowever, she had expected this, counted on it, in fact, and she sat\u003cbr\u003enow in this old curiosity shop of a drawing-room, the heavy, dark,\u003cbr\u003eancient curtains drawn against the snow, brightly and falsely\u003cbr\u003eamiable about Geneva and the League of Nations and the selfishness\u003cbr\u003eof France, and what a pity it was that despotism was beginning to\u003cbr\u003erule the world.  It was explained to her that young John was out\u003cbr\u003ewith his tutor skating on some pond towards St. John's in the Vale\u003cbr\u003eand that Colonel Fawcus himself was at a meeting in Keswick about\u003cbr\u003epylons, and that was why Janet must do the honours alone.  'But, of\u003cbr\u003ecourse,' Janet said, 'you will see John when he comes in.  He is so\u003cbr\u003eexcited about your coming.'  In that last sentence Rose knew there\u003cbr\u003ewas something sinister; that immaculate tweed-clad virgin would not\u003cbr\u003egive an inch.  'But then,' Rose thought, 'I have no intention of\u003cbr\u003easking her.  I have not come here to fight.  There is no battle in\u003cbr\u003ethe air.  John's grandfather has invited me out of kindness and\u003cbr\u003egenerosity.  There was nothing in the signed agreement which\u003cbr\u003ecompelled him to do this.  It has been simply warm-hearted kindness\u003cbr\u003eon his part.  I am not here to fight.  I am not here to get my son\u003cbr\u003eback.  I am not here to win his affection away from anyone else.\u003cbr\u003eHe is not mine.  I surrendered him deliberately, fully knowing what\u003cbr\u003eI was about.  I am not here for any contest of any kind with this\u003cbr\u003eunagreeable, tiresome, self-satisfied prig of an Englishwoman.'\u003cbr\u003eBut as she smiled and said that, yes, she would have another cup of\u003cbr\u003etea, and how good it was after a long cold journey--she was forced\u003cbr\u003eto repeat to herself:   'I am not a mother.  I surrendered John not\u003cbr\u003eonly because it would be for his good, and because he would be\u003cbr\u003egiven so many many things I could never give him, but also because\u003cbr\u003eI was not meant to be a mother.  There were other things that I\u003cbr\u003ecould do better.  I am not maternal.  I am a modern woman of my\u003cbr\u003etime.  I do not wish to be hampered with a child.","brand":"WDS Publishing","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":47069083205872,"sku":"2940013693388","price":0.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0737\/7593\/9824\/files\/2940013693388_p0.jpg?v=1763584624","url":"https:\/\/shop-qa.barnesandnoble.com\/products\/2940013693388","provider":"Barnes \u0026 Noble (DEV)","version":"1.0","type":"link"}