{"product_id":"2940148258728","title":"The Funny Bone","description":"Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAXIOMS\u003cbr\u003eTew brake a mule—commence at his head.\u003cbr\u003eIn shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so as to miss it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.\u003cbr\u003eTew git rid of cock-roaches—sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.\u003cbr\u003eTew pick out a good husband—shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.\u003cbr\u003eThere ain’t nothing that iz a sure kure for laziness, but i hav known a second wife tew hurry it sum.\u003cbr\u003eJosh Billings Allminax.\u003cbr\u003eMichael Maloney’s\u003cbr\u003eSerenade\u003cbr\u003eOh, Nora McCune!\u003cbr\u003eIs it draimin’ ye are?\u003cbr\u003eIs it wakin’ or shleepin’ ye be?\u003cbr\u003e’Tis the dark of the moon\u003cbr\u003eAn’ there’s niver a star\u003cbr\u003eTo watch if ye’re peepin’ at me.\u003cbr\u003eThrow opin yer blind, shweet love, if ye’re there;\u003cbr\u003eAn’ if ye are not, plaze be shpakin’;\u003cbr\u003eAn’ if ye’re inclined, ye might bring yer guitah,\u003cbr\u003eAn’ help me, me darlint to wakin’.\u003cbr\u003eI am lonely! Ahone!\u003cbr\u003eAn’ I’m Michael Maloney,\u003cbr\u003eAwakin’ shweet Nora McCune.\u003cbr\u003eFor, love, I’m alone,\u003cbr\u003eAn’ here’s Larrie Mahoney,\u003cbr\u003eAn’ Dinnis O’Rouk an’ Muldoon.\u003cbr\u003eI’ve brought them to jine in the song I’ll be singin’;\u003cbr\u003eFor, Nora, shweet Nora McCune,\u003cbr\u003eYe’ve shtarted me heart-strings so loudly to ringin’,\u003cbr\u003eOne person can’t carry the chune!\u003cbr\u003eBut don’t be unaisy,\u003cbr\u003eMe darlint, for fear\u003cbr\u003eOur saicrit of love should be tould.\u003cbr\u003eMahoney is crazy,\u003cbr\u003eAn’ Dinnis can’t hear;\u003cbr\u003eMuldoon is struck dum wid a could.\u003cbr\u003eTheir backs are all facin’ the window, me dear;\u003cbr\u003eAn’ they’ve shworn by the horn of the moon\u003cbr\u003eThat niver a note of me song will they hear\u003cbr\u003eThat refers to shweet Nora McCune.\u003cbr\u003eA GOOD AFTER-DINNER SPEECH\u003cbr\u003eIt was his first banquet, and they were making speeches. Everybody was being called on for a speech, and he was in mortal terror, for he had never made a speech in his life. An old-timer at his side cruelly suggested that he “get under the table—or say a prayer.” His name was called and he got up with fear and trembling, and said:\u003cbr\u003e“My friends, I never made a speech in all my life, and I’m just scared nearly to death. A friend here beside me has suggested two things for me to do—to get under the table, or to pray. Well, I couldn’t get under the table without observation, and now that I am on my feet, I can’t think of any other prayer to say except one that I used to hear my sister Mary say in the morning when mother called us—‘O Lord, how I do hate to get up!’”\u003cbr\u003e","brand":"Bronson Tweed Publishing","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":47108690444528,"sku":"2940148258728","price":0.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0737\/7593\/9824\/files\/2940148258728_p0.jpg?v=1763699195","url":"https:\/\/shop-qa.barnesandnoble.com\/products\/2940148258728","provider":"Barnes \u0026 Noble (DEV)","version":"1.0","type":"link"}