Drink Your Spit: Stories That Make Your Old Man Seem Normal

First generation self-proclaimed farmer Dave Slater’s methods for dealing with his herd and disciplining his five children could easily be viewed as unorthodox and disturbing. But after years of contemplation, I provide possible explanations for, and comical justification of my old man’s erratic behavior, unrealistic theories, and amusing episodes.
Despite his urban upbringing, my old man has always had an insatiable drive to farm. His work ethic is strong, his intent pure, but his methods often proved disastrous. From free ranging pigs in the harsh Utah climate, to developing his own vaccines made from other sick pigs, to sewing a hemorrhaging sheep’s vagina shut with bailing wire, Dave’s blunders provide some humorously demented stories.

As a steward to his herd at the farm and at home, there is often much more behind the seemingly crazy tactics he employs. Without knowing Dave’s heart, others may view his brutal killing of hundreds of sick animals by wielding an axe or a hammer, or by repeatedly climbing over them with a bulldozer as barbaric. The truth instead, is for those animals lucky enough to be in his care, Dave lovingly assisted them in their transition to the afterlife; he honored their life by simulating for them the natural thrill of the hunt.

In a similar fashion, my own man was divinely endowed with the talent to raise and creatively discipline his herd of five at home. He was a firm believer in the use of public humiliation to effectively motivate his children, like frying up a football sized boar testicle during his oldest daughter’s sweet sixteen party. For his boys, the future inheritors of Dave’s failed agricultural empire, Dave conducted a decade’s long search to find the perfect implement for motivation, that ultimately led him to the Holy Grail of ominous butt busters, a four-foot length of garden hose that never left a mark.

Many of the stories in Drink Your Spit are written from my old man’s perspective, a method I use to add insight and holier justification to some of his more confusing theories and experiences. Whether he was electrocuting himself on a high voltage power line to test his theories on science, eating an entire rat just to see if he could survive it, or testing a cattle prod on an unsuspecting child, there has always been a method to his madness. He put personal pain and suffering behind as he devoted himself to his holier purpose of raising his herds.