Groundhog Wars

20 years ago I saw his hole in the hill on the back of our yard. It was under a blue spruce tree. I tried to flush him out with water. No luck. I thought I burn him out. Bad idea. I poured lawnmower gas down his hole and lit a match. The flames lit the tree above on fire. A guy from the nearby golf course ran over. I ran to get water. No preparation here and I had been a boy scout. I got the flames out. The groundhog stayed home underground.

20 years later. I'm sitting in our family room and notice movement out the door glass panes. It's the groundhog's descendent. He's big and bold. Runs right up to the door and looks in. He's taunting me. I go looking for his hole. I find it under the larger and still alive spruce tree. No gas this time. I debate how to attack. I have two 22s, one with a scope. But I live in a suburb with houses all around. Shooting is out. Poison this time. I buy gopher poison and pour some down his hole and wait a few days. Nothing. I take wax paper, smear it with salad dressing and Nutella and pour poison on it. I place the wax paper in the hole. I do the same for what looks like another hole. A couple days later the wax paper is gone. I fill in the hole. A couple days later the hole is dug out.

I borrow a squirrel trap from a neighbor and bait it. Place the trap near the hole. A couple days later the bait is gone and the trap is not sprung. Two attempts and I give up on the trap.

I place some strawberries in / around the hole. They're eaten in a few hours. I take some big strawberries and push poison pellets into the berries and throw them into the hole. Wait a few days and fill in the hole. Its dug out.

If I was a betting man, I'd be taking odds on the groundhog.

Next up moth balls. Throw some in the hole and fill the hole in. That should gas him out. Much to my delight the hole remains filled in and is not dug out. However, the second hole has fresh signs of new dig out, enlargement. I throw in half a box of moth balls and fill in the hole. It's dug out in an hour.

I re position the moth balls and get them back in his hole. I have a bug zapper that gives insects an electric jolt that vaporizes them. It has a mesh cover that allows the bugs to fly into the energized screen. Inside is a blue neon light to attract the bugs. I remove the mesh cover and position it slightly in his hole entrance. I plug it in. It will either shock or electrocute him. Either way, this should finish him off.

Day and night the bug zapper vaporizes bugs and produces zapping sounds. Plus a blue neon light shines all around and in the hole entrance. Days past and the bug zapper is undisturbed. Any groundhog that can tolerate the zapping noise and the annoying blue light day after day deserves his home.

I take away the bug zapper and fill in the hole entrance with dirt.


It’s a week later. No sign of the groundhog. No entrances dug out, nothing. I hope he’s moved on. Try as I did, I hope he’s not dead. No sign of his body, so I guess the blue light bug zapper did it. It would have done it for me too.

All in all, I miss him. I was running out of ways to try and kill him. Thinking up new things to try was fun. Nothing personal mind you, just business.