Peace at Any Price: How to Overcome the Please Disease

Peace-at-any-price people are polite, generous, passive beings who —
• Value peace above all else.
• Try to avoid arguments, disagreements and fights.
• Fear anger.
• Have a history of childhood abuse, abandonment or neglect.
• Put other people’s wants and needs ahead of their own.
• Silently dislike aggressive people.
• Do not like to ask for what they want.
• Attract aggressive partners.
• Stuff their feelings.
• Avoid making decisions that affect others (i.e., choose movies, restaurants, etc.)
But walking on eggshells, giving in and swallowing feelings do not give them the peace they so desperately crave. Instead, they lead chaotic, hectic, hellish lives. Their eager-to-please personalities are the underlying cause of their need to under or over eat, to abuse alcohol and drugs, and to find other ways to run from life.
Deborah Day Poor, a counselor and former peace-at-any-price person, describes how she found the root of her placating personality in her family tree, tied to a crime committed against her great grandmother — a crime that affected five generations. She reveals her own experiences and acquired strengths, as well as those of others who have successfully overcome the “please disease.” They candidly and courageously share their painful pasts, what they did to mend their wounded hearts, and how they finally found true inner peace.

From the Introduction of Peace at Any Price —

Several years ago, while working in an addiction treatment center, I led a small group therapy session. I asked the alcoholics and addicts in the group to tell me how they picked their wives and girl friends. All of these I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it guys had been institutionalized before and were, therefore, treatment-wise.
One asked, “Do you mean the enablers?”
I nodded my head in agreement.
Another fellow said, “You’re a counselor, so you know the answer. Right?”
My response was, “I want to hear your answers.”
The most talkative member of the group blurted out, “It’s easy. They’re nice. They’ll buy you presents, cook your favorite foods, and if you pick a fight with them, they’ll make up.”
I noticed the other group members were nodding their heads in agreement, and a couple of them even laughed aloud. Since then, I have shared this information with numerous peace-at-any-price clients. I want them to know that their eager-to-please personalities do not give them the peace they value above all else. In fact, these polite, generous, passive beings attract partners who rob them of the peace they want most. They’re magnets for temper-tantrum-throwing adults. Their easygoing personalities draw self-centered troublemakers to them. So, instead of creating serene lives, they live chaotic, hectic, hellish lives with partners who take advantage of them.


Traits of Peace-At-Any-Price People

1. Value peace above all else.
2. Try to avoid arguments, disagreements and fights.
3. Fear anger.
4. Have a history of childhood abuse, abandonment or neglect.
5. Put other people’s wants and needs ahead of their own.
6. Silently dislike aggressive people.
7. Do not like to ask for what they want.
8. Attract aggressive partners.
9. Stuff their feelings.
10. Avoid making decisions that affect others (i.e., choose movies, restaurants, etc.)