VERSE AND WORSE

PART I

_THE BABY'S BAEDEKER_

I. ABROAD 3

II. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 6

III. GREAT BRITAIN 9

IV. SCOTLAND 11

V. IRELAND 13

VI. WALES 15

VII. CHINA 16

VIII. FRANCE 19

IX. GERMANY 21

X. HOLLAND 23

XI. ICELAND 26

XII. ITALY 27

XIII. JAPAN 30

XIV. PORTUGAL 32

XV. RUSSIA 33

XVI. SPAIN 36

XVII. SWITZERLAND 39

XVIII. TURKEY 41

XIX. DREAMLAND 44

XX. STAGELAND 47

XXI. LOVERLAND 48

XXII. HOMELAND 53


PART II

_CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND OTHER RUTHLESS RHYMES_

CHILDISH COMPLAINTS--

PRELUDE 57

APPENDICITIS 61

WHOOPING-COUGH 61

MEASLES 62

ADENOIDS 62

CROUP 62


RUTHLESS RHYMES--

I. MOTHER-WIT 63

II. UNCLE JOE 64

III. AUNT ELIZA 65

IV. ABSENT-MINDEDNESS 66

V. JOHN 68

VI. BABY 71

VII. THE CAT 72


PART III

_PERVERTED PROVERBS_

I. 'VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD' 77

II. 'ENOUGH IS AS GOOD AS A FEAST' 86

III. 'DON'T BUY A PIG IN A POKE' 89

IV. 'LEARN TO TAKE THINGS EASILY' 91

V. 'A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS' 92

VI. 'IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND' 96

VII. 'A BAD WORKMAN COMPLAINS OF HIS TOOLS' 99

VIII. 'DON'T LOOK A GIFT-HORSE IN THE MOUTH' 100

IX. POTPOURRI 103


PART IV

_OTHER VERSES_

BILL 111

THE LEGEND OF THE AUTHOR 114

THE MOTRIOT 128

THE BALLAD OF THE ARTIST 130

THE BALLAD OF PING-PONG 135

THE PESSIMIST 138

THE PLACE WHERE THE OLD CLEEK BROKE 140

THE HOMES OF LONDON 143

THE HAPPIEST LAND 146

A LONDON INVOLUNTARY 151

BLUEBEARD 154

THE WOMAN WITH THE DEAD SOLES 166

ROSEMARY (A BALLAD OF THE BOUDOIR) 170

PORTKNOCKIE'S PORTER 172

THE BALLAD OF THE LITTLE JINGLANDER 176

AFTWORD 182

ENVOI 185




AUTHOR'S PREFACE


With guilty, conscience-stricken tears,
I offer up these rhymes of mine
To children of maturer years
(From Seventeen to Ninety-nine).
A special solace may they be
In days of second infancy.