How to Build Your Harem in 10 Easy Steps

The following essay was sent to the author via OuijaMail, a new mobile app that promises to be the next Instagram. Its proprietary technology allows correspondence between contemporary authors and historical figures. The sender of this essay claims to be Samson, a legendary barbarian warrior from the Middle Ages. According to an unpublished essay by Joseph Campbell, Samson appears in numerous medieval folktales that focus on the erotic hero's gigantic phallus and enviable success with the fair sex.