Noah's Flood: Worldwide Genocide ... from the God of Love

REVELATION 3 is where Satan, Hitch and Snikwad plunge into the Great Flood mythologies and discover that this planet we call home has been flooded more times by more versions of God than you can poke a magic crosier at. Human sin, of course, was usually to blame. Fornication is a favourite.

In the strictly biblical view of history, the Diabolical Trio discover – back when our Earth was flat and we lived in a reverse goldfish bowl with the water on the outside and Heaven was just a few angelic wing-beats away – giant Nephilim roamed free and the Sons of God (but maybe not Jesus) were led unto temptation and fornication by human females, and they made heroic biblical super-babies together. Semi-sinless Homo sapiens males lived to be nearly 1,000 years of age (women are not mentioned) and everyone in Jewish and non-Jewish cultures from all four corners of the world only ever thought evil thoughts, so as to deliberately offend the jealous new Jewish deity Yahweh and his predecessors the Elohim.

Like many other imaginary deities before them, both the ancient Phoenician/Canaanite Elohim and the genocidal new Yahweh (but possibly not Jesus) became so wrathful with all the fornicating they decided to give humanity a divinely inspired parenting lesson by opening the windows of the goldfish bowl and drowning all the Aztec and Chinese and Zulu kiddies – who had never actually heard of these neurotic Middle East versions of “God” – under four and a half kilometres of mythological biblical water … during the non-mythological Sixth Dynasty of Egypt.

Mitochondrial DNA will, of course, confirm the biblical truth that all the Aztec, Chinese and Zulu people alive today are descendants of the antediluvian, ark-building Middle Eastern Mother No-Ah, who survived this particular Great Flood when she was pre-warned (possibly by Jesus) of the impending allegory.

The boys from the Sacred Grotto find that second-generation biblical Homo sapiens skipped the whole bothersome business of evolving through Palaeolithic hunter-gatherer society, and went straight for pastoralism, horticulture and the world’s very first fratricidal murder in My Brother’s Keeper. The tales of Mother No-Ah’s Ark and Father Noah’s Hangover give them special insights into why rainbows appear in the sky; blood transfusions are maybe a bad idea; capital punishment is officially ordained by Yahweh (but perhaps not Jesus); humans could once again live to be nearly 1,000 if they reduce their sinning to an acceptable minimum; dinosaurs and bird lice (but maybe not viruses) co-existed on the Ark, and the practice of good, God-fearing Christians keeping black people as slaves was once a biblically correct thing to do.