The Military Adventures of Johnny Newcome (Illustrated)

On Ludgate Hill, a traveller may see
John Newcome, Grocer, No. Fifty-three;
Now, sober reader, don’t turn up your nose,
But profit by the truths I shall disclose.
The Newcome family, you may believe,
Straitways descended from good Madam Eve;
Adam, a Newcome, when in Paradise,
The wily serpent did Dame Eve entice
To touch forbidden fruit; and to his shame,
Poor Adam Newcome slily did the same:
[2]
For this, from Paradise they soon were hurl’d,
And thus Cain Newcome came into the World.
’Twould be an endless job were I to trace
All the descendants of the Newcome race:
Let it suffice that I curtail my rhymes,
To scenes connected with the present Times.
Widely extended is the Newcome Name,
Some scoff’d for Folly, some renown’d for Fame;
Did we in Foreign Courts but look askance,
We find they’ve play’d the very Devil in France.
Each in his turn assum’d the Sovereign Sway,
’Till Boney Newcome drove them all away;
Mighty in deeds, his Mighty power evinces,
[3]
And makes his tribes of Newcomes Kings and Princes.
Louis to Holland went with State Regalia,
And silly Jerome king’d it at Westphalia:
Poor foolish Joe went slily into Spain,
But Paddy Newcome whipt him out again.
Ah! Honey, that’s a Newcome, if you please,
Makes Boney tremble in his Thuilleries.
His fame—but, let me onward with my story,
My humble rhymes would only mock his Glory.
In London Newcomes every where are seen,
Newcome’s a Lord, a General, Knight or Dean—
Newcomes, where’er you go, you’re sure to meet,
The Park, the Playhouse, or St. James’s Street.
[4]
Amongst our Quality, you’ll find a few,
And Carlton House has got its Newcome too.
At both the Universities you find ’em,
But in such numbers that they never mind ’em.
In all Professions, Lawyers, Fiddlers, Bards,
Lots in the Line, and many in the Guards.
This leads me to the subject of my story,
Tho’ first I thought it right to lay before ye,
By way of preface, or of introduction,
Or, if you please, a smattering of instruction;
Go as you will, no matter when, or where,
You’re sure to see a Johnny Newcome there.
Now this same Grocer was a man of weight,
Eat turtle soup, and talked of Church and State,—
[5]
For twenty years had bustled well through life,
Blest with one son by Doll his loving Wife:
The Youth, a lankey, awkward, shuffling Blade,
Bred by the old ones to pursue the Trade,
School’d by Mamma, who thought all learning stuff,
‘Young John will have the Cash, and that’s enough.’
By Martial ardour fired, John scorn’d to stop
And retail sugar in his father’s Shop!
In spite of Daddy’s wrath, and Mother’s tears,
Strutted an Ensign in the Volunteers;
But the good souls were quickly reconcil’d
In admiration of their darling Child.
Old Johnny seem’d afraid he’d be too rash,
[6]
But Mother doated on the Sword, and Sash.
Soon Johnny grew ambitious of renown,
And sigh’d to flourish in some Country Town;
In some Militia Corps, at distant Quarters,
Act the Lothario with the Wives and Daughters.
Money, or Interest, never-failing friends,
Soon did the job, and Johnny gain’d his ends.
Translated then to a Militia Beau,
Dear, lively Captain Newcome’s all the go!
Sports a gay Curricle and pair of Tits,
Damns smokey London, and the frowsy Cits;
With ardour talks of Marches, Camps, and Fight;
Such scenes as these would be his soul’s delight.
[7]
At length, one day, his spirits flush’d with Wine,
Johnny resolved to go into the Line;
Writes to Mamma a coaxer to Petition
She’d make his Father buy him a Commission.
The doating Mother dwells with anxious pause,
Ere she could send her darling to the Wars.
But as she’d ne’er refused him what he wanted,
She paid the Cash, and his request was granted:
Soon now the Official letter made it known
That Ensign Newcome, Fourth or the King’s Own,
Would on receipt immediately go,
And quick present himself at the Depôt.
What thrilling tumults in his bosom came
To see amongst the Regulars his name!
[8]
So dash’d away in wondrous haste and pother,
To take a flying leave of Dad and Mother.
A soldier bold, now Johnny vaunts and vapours,
Anticipates his name in London papers.
‘From admiration we cannot refrain,
‘The gallant Ensign Newcome’s going to Spain;
‘To shew our gratitude we don’t dissemble,
‘Heroes like him must make