A 'Quick Flash' Legend from the English Lake District

This Quick Flash story will prove beyond any doubt that posh people from Ancient Egypt have probably enjoyed holidays in the English Lakes, recommended the experience when getting back home and the rest of them with the cash to splash have followed through the ages.
I wonder if they had any trouble parking in the holiday period because I could never find a space anywhere, not even when I roller skated there. There again, I was driving a converted Stealth Bomber. I’m a writer you see, so have so much money I bought it on a whim as it has a great dashboard. It’s a strange life Pentertaining, everyone thinks I’m poor, which I am.

PS: I can sense you already don’t believe me. Maybe then I should enter this for Joss Naylor’s World’s Biggest Liar competition? Joss is a Lake District shepherd and famous fell runner. I, years ago got changed next to him at work. One day he told me his biggest secret, so I wrote that out too, it’s called The Atomic Shepherd.
Although Joss is from the Lake District, he told me he has lots of friends in Wales, many of them are sheep farmers and members of the AWSF (Association of Welsh Sheep Farmers). Joss is the Honorary Grand Master of the Sheep Farmers Universe, a wooly, lanolin soft cult that does charity work. How was he sworn in? He had to firstly roll his trouser legs up and expose his left breast. Then he had to drink six pints of Sheep Dip (a beer, not proper sheep dip, duhhhh). He then, had to say that long Welsh name backwards, twice . Llanfairpwll ...
Then they play-killed him with a Sacrificial Ram’s Horn Dagger ‘letter opener’ with a sprung blade and immediately brought him back to life with a forty thousand word chant from their ancient book of Resuscitation Of Sacrificial Victims Without a Crash Box (especially if they are public figures), which never lets them down, especially in power cuts. The book is covered in skin i.e. sheepskin and is lovely to hold. Legend though says that Joss wasn’t play-dead, just sozzled and woke up but only after the Elder Masters had said the chant four thousand times (he immediately dashed to the toilet without saying thanks, how rude). The exhausted Elder Masters didn’t come back for the next week’s meeting which was pie and peas and a comedian ... in fact, they were so traumatised that they never came back again (not even for Melvyn Bragg singing unaccompanied Welsh folk songs, supported by Bonnie Tyler doing a Rod Stewart tribute act). The Elder Masters are now door knocking as bottom rung Jeho ... you know who I mean (it’s safer for them). (Unless they bang the Gothic knocker on an asylum front door).

PS: Can you see the subtle mayhem in your mind? It will be a good film I reckon.
I have to stop now (not that I want to). (But it’s medication time). (I just spit mine out).
Excuse me! I’m on the toilet now. Please afford me some privacy.