English as She is Spoke: The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English

What happens when someone who doesn't speak English attempts to write a Portuguese-English phrasebook? THIS is what happens.

"Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect." – Mark Twain

"[T]he second chapter is titled 'Familiar Phrases,' and features sentences intended to help the weary Portuguese traveler in everyday conversation. These phrases include classics like 'He has spit in my coat'; 'take that boy and whip him to much'; and the oft-used 'these apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth.' – Tucker Leighty-Phillips, Atlas Obscura

"[T]he book migrated to literary circles in London, where it became the Victorian equivalent of a viral video. Friends passed it to friends who giggled over -- even then -- unintentionally sexual phrases such as, 'He do the devil at four.' – Mike Drucker, Splitsider

"Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the vividness of 'to craunch a marmoset'?" – Stephen Pile