If I Should Die Before I Wake: A Novel

Set in the period 1944–1946, If I Should Die Before I Wake is the story of Freddie Osborne and his slow awakening to his attraction to other males. This dawning awareness is troubling to Freddie, whose father shows his disappointment at his son’s “sissy” ways. Unfortunately, his mother, who is loving and supportive, dies when he is eleven, but not before encouraging him to join the local Methodist Church. Upon reading the Bible, he discovers that his attraction to other males is an “abomination.” Although his father’s attitude becomes more supportive after his wife’s death, Freddie becomes convinced he is a “sinner” and that he will therefore do bad things to other people. He confesses his “sins” to his father, and his grandmother suggests he see a psychiatrist. This man prescribes electroshock therapy, but when Freddie discovers that the procedure has failed to alter his urges, he becomes certain that finding a “cure” is hopeless.